The Top Bachelors in Austin?

Lazy Smurf’s Guide to Life gets invited to a lot of local events in Austin. When this first started to happen it was exciting, I thought people were reading my blog and maybe they wanted to be more vegan friendly by inviting me to try their food. After several very disappointing events I have learned that they don’t read my blog, they just know I am an Austin blogger so they invite me to events that promise food and often don’t have one item on the menu I want to eat. It is one thing to go to an event and hope that there is something you can eat, it is quite another to get invited solely because you talk about Austin vegan food and then not have one thing you can try. So now I get invites practically every day and sometimes I respond to ask if they will have vegan food but more often than that I just ignore the invites figuring they don’t really want me there. Last week I got an invitation to Austin Monthly magazine’s “Bachelor Issue Launch Party” where I was promised I would get to CELEBRATE WITH AUSTIN’S 10 MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORS. My first reaction was indifference which was quickly followed by disgust. Why in 2009 is our culture still pushing the notions of heteronormative relationships that must end in marriage especially when so many of these unions are destructive and shouldn’t be entered into lightly? The magazine writes “Turn off those reruns of The Bachelor. For the seventh year in a row, we bring you our picks of the 10 most interesting exciting and- the best part- eligible bachelors this city has to offer. Don’t be Shy. Take a peek. Mr. Right could be right in front of you.”

Bachelor bach⋅e⋅lor –noun
1. an unmarried man
2. a person who has been awarded a bachelor’s degree.
3. a fur seal, esp. a young male, kept from the breeding grounds by the older males.

I can’t even believe that the show “The Bachelor” is still on the air much less imagine that people unironically use terms like “Mr. Right” while squeeing with delight about wanting to spend the rest of their life bound to dudes that they don’t even know. Grown adults are still that desperate to believe in the fairy tale of marriage?  I wondered what kind of criteria Austin Monthly used to pick their bachelors. What made them eligible? Just the fact that they were unmarried? What if they wanted to be single? What if they were gay and were unable to legally get married? These are the questions that you dear readers need to know and so I sent a couple of Smurfettes to enjoy free drinks on our behalf and get to the bottom of the whole thing at the Rio Grande.

First, as I imagined, there were not many vegan options. Our reporters met a couple of other vegans who were pretty disappointed by the scene and they tried the “Guacamole how you like” bar that apparently tried to please all people by letting them decide what should be in their guac rather than having, say, a chef decide.

Here is our Smurfette’s report:

The Party:

My overall impression of the party, itself, was that it was pretentious. It
felt like everyone was just there to be seen. The bachelors did not seem all
too sure how or why they got there and the whole event was very shallow.
The food:
As far as the food goes, it wasn’t much to speak of, especially from a
vegetarians stand point. They had three appetizers, shrimp, ceviche, and some
kind of meat roll. The only thing that was veggie friendly was the guacamole
bar, which had its own pretentiousness to it, given the fact that it was like
the Marble Slab for guacamole. Everyone got to choose what kind of fixings
they wanted in their own personal guacamole, and then it was mixed up, right
in front of you.

The drinks:
The new drink that was “announced” for Grey Goose Vodka was the Iguana.
This drink was an overly complicated mixture of lemon, vodka, cucumber juice,
spices, and god knows what else. All this drinker knows is that that drink
was personally responsible for the 6 deep line at the bar. And to tell you
the truth, it wasn’t even that good.

The good points, were the music, the free Dos XX, and chatting with my co-worker.

First bachelor to be interviewed: James Moody owner of Mohawks
We asked, “Do you feel more able to identify with women now that you are being
judged solely on your gender?” He answered “No.” He feels like he has always
been able to identify with women because he loves his mom. (Awww) He says
that he has no idea how the selection process went, but that he was nominated
by friends. He also said that he wasn’t looking to get married or even for a
relationship, but that he’s more of a person to hide in his work.
My impression: He’s a nice guy, but kind of shy and didn’t really want to be

Second bachelor to be interviewed: Marc English

We asked him the same question as Mohawks guy; does he feel like he can
identify with women now. He said “Yes. You mean do I feel like a piece of
meat? Yes, I do feel like a piece of meat.” He also said that he is a
carnivore because he likes his food to be able to think and that his favorite
place to get a good spinach salad is the Woodland. He was
nominated by friends and that he got into the top 10 because his friend’s wife
works for the magazine.
My impression: He’s a nice guy who likes to be the cut-up and the life of the
party. He’s funny.

Third bachelor to be interviewed: Steven…
We asked him if he was looking to get married. He said, “of course,” that it
was the “American Dream.” He also said that he was nominated by friends, but
that he paid a bunch of people off to the on the top 10.
My impression: He’s a cocky bastard.

So there you have it, Austin most eligible bachelors are the same kind of guys you would meet at any singles bar and the party was, in a word pretentious. If you guys like this report let me know and I will send my team of crack reporters to other exciting Austin events.


10 thoughts on “The Top Bachelors in Austin?

  1. Alan

    The Rio Grande looks like an awful meat market w/o the imprimatur of that rag’s bachelor shindig. You are brave to weather that sort of b.s. Grey Goose = overrated hype. I like Svedka: cheap and more than good enough. Last night my gf and I had very dirty martinis made with black olives and lots of black olive juice (yay for non-slotted olive spoons at CM!). The color of the martinis was a gorgeous velvety amaranthine. It was also the best-tasting martini ever. Now I have a headache.

    Great write-up on a reification of one circle of hell. And I agree 101% with: “Why in 2009 is our culture still pushing the notions of heteronormative relationships that must end in marriage especially when so many of these unions are destructive and shouldn’t be entered into lightly?”

  2. Jes

    Oh man, I’m going to have to make that martini stat–olive juice martini?! Holy holy hangover.

    Ohhhh insert this city top 10 bachelors, those always crack me up. Birmingham went dual gender for the top 10 most eligible people or something like that. Half of them mentioned loving Jesus and wanting babies in their profiles too (eeep!)

  3. taleoftwovegans

    Haha! – it cracks me up that you get so many invitations from people who have no clue what you blog about! Secretly, I think that a guacamole mix station sounds like a neat idea, but I always was a fan of the Marble Slab back in the (non-vegan) day. My theory is that anything with cucumber is immediately attractive to the general population – forget eating it, clearly it belongs in body lotions and alcoholic beverages!

  4. mollyjade

    Your questions are way better than those typically asked at beauty contests. And it sounds like the answers were more honest, too.

    But you vegans are always complaining! There’s a pile of bell peppers right there on the table. What more do you want?

  5. lazysmurf Post author

    taleoftwovegans- I guess the main problem with the guac bar was that you had to stand in line forever to get any.

    mollyjade- I was thrilled that they asked my questions!

  6. a-k

    That sounds just like the kind of event I would never want to go to… at least guacamole is good?

    Also, I want to say that I absolutely LOVE that you said heteronormative in your post. I love that word, and most of my (old) friends told me I made it up when I started using it. (Most of them actually enjoy watching things like The Bachelor, so I guess it’s not a big surprise.) Thanks for making me smile after a long day of work!

  7. laura

    this tale makes me think that we have returned to the 80’s. i recall the “meat markets” and all that crap and dang i just hope that at the back of people’s minds-esp. women that they know this is all bullshit and that the path to happiness is complicated and very individual.

  8. fortheloveofguava

    nice… I had no idea your dance card was so full Smurfsky… now every comment from you will feel that much more important! teehee… this was neat… i’m in full support of you venturing out to the non-vegan world for these sort of journalistic adventures!

  9. marc english

    guess i’m behind the curve in finding this review. pretty much agree with most of all written/posted here. actually a friend of mine works for the mag, hence the nomination. for myself, i looked at the whole thing as PR. i have a business to run and got a free PR shot, and the mag hyped a couple good clients. but all comments here are right on the money about the notion of “eligibility” and all that goes along with it.

    i can’t say that the word “pretentious” works best to describe any of the goings on, but “pretend” does. were it not for my few friends that were at this event – or this interview – i’d have been bored silly, and would have split after having made an appearance. but i’m also one of those “in-for-a-penny, in-for-a-pound” types. which means i’m going to wear a suit, and a grown-up 50-year-old, and then am gonna go home. fyi, my date that evening was 85-years-old. she’s written 14 books, and rocks: google Dr. Jean Andrews.

    oh, and for those who wonder why a magazine does such things in this day and age, well one reason only: they sell a lot of magazines for some reason. go figure.

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