Lazy Smurf’s Guide to Life gets invited to a lot of local events in Austin. When this first started to happen it was exciting, I thought people were reading my blog and maybe they wanted to be more vegan friendly by inviting me to try their food. After several very disappointing events I have learned that they don’t read my blog, they just know I am an Austin blogger so they invite me to events that promise food and often don’t have one item on the menu I want to eat. It is one thing to go to an event and hope that there is something you can eat, it is quite another to get invited solely because you talk about Austin vegan food and then not have one thing you can try. So now I get invites practically every day and sometimes I respond to ask if they will have vegan food but more often than that I just ignore the invites figuring they don’t really want me there. Last week I got an invitation to Austin Monthly magazine’s “Bachelor Issue Launch Party” where I was promised I would get to CELEBRATE WITH AUSTIN’S 10 MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORS. My first reaction was indifference which was quickly followed by disgust. Why in 2009 is our culture still pushing the notions of heteronormative relationships that must end in marriage especially when so many of these unions are destructive and shouldn’t be entered into lightly? The magazine writes “Turn off those reruns of The Bachelor. For the seventh year in a row, we bring you our picks of the 10 most interesting exciting and- the best part- eligible bachelors this city has to offer. Don’t be Shy. Take a peek. Mr. Right could be right in front of you.”

Bachelor bach⋅e⋅lor –noun
1. an unmarried man
2. a person who has been awarded a bachelor’s degree.
3. a fur seal, esp. a young male, kept from the breeding grounds by the older males.

I can’t even believe that the show “The Bachelor” is still on the air much less imagine that people unironically use terms like “Mr. Right” while squeeing with delight about wanting to spend the rest of their life bound to dudes that they don’t even know. Grown adults are still that desperate to believe in the fairy tale of marriage?  I wondered what kind of criteria Austin Monthly used to pick their bachelors. What made them eligible? Just the fact that they were unmarried? What if they wanted to be single? What if they were gay and were unable to legally get married? These are the questions that you dear readers need to know and so I sent a couple of Smurfettes to enjoy free drinks on our behalf and get to the bottom of the whole thing at the Rio Grande.

First, as I imagined, there were not many vegan options. Our reporters met a couple of other vegans who were pretty disappointed by the scene and they tried the “Guacamole how you like” bar that apparently tried to please all people by letting them decide what should be in their guac rather than having, say, a chef decide.

Here is our Smurfette’s report:

The Party:

My overall impression of the party, itself, was that it was pretentious. It
felt like everyone was just there to be seen. The bachelors did not seem all
too sure how or why they got there and the whole event was very shallow.
The food:
As far as the food goes, it wasn’t much to speak of, especially from a
vegetarians stand point. They had three appetizers, shrimp, ceviche, and some
kind of meat roll. The only thing that was veggie friendly was the guacamole
bar, which had its own pretentiousness to it, given the fact that it was like
the Marble Slab for guacamole. Everyone got to choose what kind of fixings
they wanted in their own personal guacamole, and then it was mixed up, right
in front of you.

The drinks:
The new drink that was “announced” for Grey Goose Vodka was the Iguana.
This drink was an overly complicated mixture of lemon, vodka, cucumber juice,
spices, and god knows what else. All this drinker knows is that that drink
was personally responsible for the 6 deep line at the bar. And to tell you
the truth, it wasn’t even that good.

The good points, were the music, the free Dos XX, and chatting with my co-worker.

First bachelor to be interviewed: James Moody owner of Mohawks
We asked, “Do you feel more able to identify with women now that you are being
judged solely on your gender?” He answered “No.” He feels like he has always
been able to identify with women because he loves his mom. (Awww) He says
that he has no idea how the selection process went, but that he was nominated
by friends. He also said that he wasn’t looking to get married or even for a
relationship, but that he’s more of a person to hide in his work.
My impression: He’s a nice guy, but kind of shy and didn’t really want to be
there.

Second bachelor to be interviewed: Marc English

We asked him the same question as Mohawks guy; does he feel like he can
identify with women now. He said “Yes. You mean do I feel like a piece of
meat? Yes, I do feel like a piece of meat.” He also said that he is a
carnivore because he likes his food to be able to think and that his favorite
place to get a good spinach salad is the Woodland. He was
nominated by friends and that he got into the top 10 because his friend’s wife
works for the magazine.
My impression: He’s a nice guy who likes to be the cut-up and the life of the
party. He’s funny.

Third bachelor to be interviewed: Steven…
We asked him if he was looking to get married. He said, “of course,” that it
was the “American Dream.” He also said that he was nominated by friends, but
that he paid a bunch of people off to the on the top 10.
My impression: He’s a cocky bastard.

So there you have it, Austin most eligible bachelors are the same kind of guys you would meet at any singles bar and the party was, in a word pretentious. If you guys like this report let me know and I will send my team of crack reporters to other exciting Austin events.